TLC: Breezys and Brews the Jon Gosselin Story

Jon, Jon, Jon, what are you thinking? When your wife (porcupine haircut or not) decides to take your eight children on a boat ride for Memorial Day, you know what you should NOT do in your free time? Grab a couple miller lites with some honies in New York. Lack of PDA or not Mr. Kate, considering your recent shenannigans, (ie ditching your brood to party with coeds) kickin' it upstate seems like it should be the last thing on your mind. Fine we get it, you have eight children and you are having a life crisis, well buy yourself a convertible and get down from that keg stand. We're just saying.

Stars are Blind

Paris, we recently read the following regarding your flavor of the month, Hills-alum, Doug Reinhardt, 'He's beautiful, he's smart, he's well-educated and he treats me like a princess. We're just very much alike'. Exactly which of these qualities are you alike in? Was Doug expelled from the Canterbury Boarding School? Does a GED make you well-educated? Last we checked, reading the Bible in jail does not lead to people referring to you as 'smart'. Reinhardt follows your comment by gushing over your humility. Woof. We've had enough. We're just saying.

What Women Want?

Never ever, for any reason, reference the crazy lady in Southern California who can barely take care of her eight kids to get a laugh "Octo-Mel." Here is something that isn't funny: Ruining your marriage of 28 years and knocking up your new girlfriend within months. Even when you're kicking back in a blazer and your weekend jeans on Jay Leno's couch, it's still not funny. Remember when you went on a drunk joyride through Malibu? Yeah so do we, use your head. We're just saying.

Do anybody make real sh*t anymore?

I ask, cause I'm not sure. It seems the latest celebrity trend is to brand their image on just about everything. Don't get me wrong Kanye, you are getting yours. You got that ambition baby. We just don't know if being a college dropout gives your book that extra edge. A 'childlike purity' in writing is not something to brag about, along with not reading books. Focus on rapping and then, maybe you could be our black Kate Moss tonight. We're just saying.

Monster's Inc.

When you finally break your silence after beating the EFF out of your celebrity girlfriend, saying you "ain't a monster" just makes you look extra guilty Chris Brown. Oh and for the record adding (lil) Bow Wow to your "coming out You Tube" does not in tern add more street cred., believe dat. We're just saying.