Look What the Jersey Shore Washed Up ...

So much to say, yet we have no words. We hope everyone had a chance to see this finale. Each and every one of these women lost their freakin' minds. Danielle, there's a pretty good possibility that you're clinically insane. Why on earth would you bring that book to a dinner party … with children?! Caroline, or should we say the ringer of the thieves, you frighten us. Should we mention that your attack dog trainer is currently under indictment for tax fraud? … among other charges. Dina, where is your husband for crying out loud? Someone needs to knock some sense into you. Teresa, you totally went ape-sh*t. Why? Because Danielle insulted your intelligence? Let's be honest here, even though she is a 'cop without a badge', we don't think she is an authority over intelligence. We think you and your bubbies should be more concerned with the fact that your husband pays for everything with cash on national television. Good luck with the IRS, because something tells us you're going to get audited. Jacqueline, Caroline seems to think that her parents are going to be upset with you, but we're pretty sure they would be upset if they caught wind of any of the behavior exhibited by their children at that 'classy' affair. But in any case, maybe you can have Dina pray for you too. We thank you all for hours of wreckless, foul-mouth entertainment. Looking forward to next season. We're just saying.

LiLo the Clepto

Let's get this straight sticky fingers Lohan, not only do you drink and drive, stalk your ex gf, and do loads of drugs all while managing to not eat, now you steal? Sure you haven't done anything positive/successful for your career in years, but do you really think stealing is the way to get yourself back on top? This isn't Claire's accessories, walking out with $400,000 in Dior jewlery from an Elle Magazine shoot does not go unnoticed. And let's be honest, that diamond encrusted skull ring you buy Sam Ro isn't going to mean as much if it's bought with dirty money. Now go make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, reconsider snorting that line and pull yourself together LiLo; you are officially in over your head. We're just saying.

One Night in Paris

When we first heard about you chasing after the prostitute-loving Cristiano Ronaldo, we wrote it off as a rumor. It hadn't even been 24 hours since your split with the man you claimed was going to be your husband. While we admire your ability to move on quickly, we don't know Paris, take a break, do something productive, schedule a gynecologist appointment. We're just saying.

No Effing Way

AIG - are you really suing your ex-CEO for a tank in your retirement? We don't get it. Pot calling the kettle black much? We're just saying.

Rob's new Big...loser

Holy high school. Remember when it was cool to lie about getting your stomach pumped? Oh right, it never was. Seriously, get a life John Mayer. It's embarassing for everyone to watch you pull these Ashtonesque stunts, while refusing to grow up and bringing little Rob Dyrdek down with you. Reality check, you write love ballads about "candy lips" and "bubble gum tounges" and pulling pranks with Rob doesn't mean you will land a role on next season's Fantasy Factory. Go back to the recording studio, we've had it with the publicity stunts (aka dating Jennifer Aniston). We liked you so much more before you cut your hair and got a twitter account. We're just saying.

It's Britney Bitch

Single men are mourning everywhere, and we can't blame them. The fishnet-stocking, cowboy-boots sporting singer is dating her agent, and people are calling it 'the best thing that ever happened to her'. Oh snap, K-Fed, that must hurt your popozao. How can anyone be better than ex-manager/drug dealer Sam Lufti? Baffling. This guy must be SUCH a catch. And boys, if you really have your heart-broken, rest assured; Paris is back on the market. Bam! We're just saying.

Score: Bridget Moynahan - 1, Giselle Bundchen - 999,999

We have to laugh at this, Tom. Did you really get rescued from the Charles River while kayaking?! You're the 2007 NFL MVP for crying out loud! And the winner of not 1, but 3 Super Bowls! Flipping your kayak, fine, we'll assume you were trying to show off for your smokin' hot wife, but why did you need to be 'fished out of the Charles River'? Can you not swim? We still love you/want to be with you, we're just going to give Bridg a point. We're just saying.

Stray Cat

Lindsay Lohan. Spotted. London. Diamond Ring. Twitter: 'Leaving London but but with my favorite favorite!!! - travel buddy & great news to share!! Maybe'. Are you MAYBE engaged? We're assuming that means her family's restraining order against you has been lifted. MAYBE. Either that, or you MAYBE left the reservation a long time ago, right about when you entered rehab for the 16th time. It all sounds like such a safe bet. Better sign a pre-nup. Oh wait, MAYBE you're broke. Best of luck with the upcoming nuptials and your direct-to-TV movie. We're just saying.

Idol Shocker (Sarcasm)

"I don't think it should be a surprise for anyone to hear that I'm gay," Lambert tells Rolling Stone magazine. WHAT?! [Insert shock] We can't decide if it was the nail polish, guyliner and affinity for Ryan Seacrest or the pics all over the internet making out with guys that gave it away? Either way, the Claymates of the world thank you for not pulling a stunt like their deceitful leader. We're just saying.

The beard and the baby bump: Part Deux

We have had it with this. You've had your chance with Oprah, now it is our turn. (PS- posing with that arm over your head doesn't make you a sexier looking pregnant man). We're just saying.

We'll Drop the Soap for That

Dear California,

Remember when it was cool to commit crimes? We would like to be sent to San Quentin State Prison. We're wondering what sort of crime we have to commit in order to be sent to this beach-front property overlooking the San Francisco Bay and worth about $2 billion. San Quentin boasts a Shakespearean drama program, football, baseball, basketball, soccer and tennis teams …oh, and the Prison University Project. Sounds like summer camp to us … So, you're thinking about selling this place? We can't imagine why; inmate John Taylor, who is serving up to life for murder, is perplexed, 'I just don't know why the governor would want to shut us down'. Tough one. Maybe because it's some of the most prime real estate in the country. Maybe because the state recently spent more than $164 million on this prison and has budgeted another $356 million for a new complex. Maybe because we're sitting at our desk jobs, watching our retirement plummet, paying taxes on a $24.3 billion state deficit, and thinking it would be pretty nice to finally have time to take tennis lessons. We're not interested in any real crimes, but if you could let us know what could get us a life-sentence there, it would be much appreciated. We're just saying.

Sincerely,

Contemplating Criminals

Tubby Tweet

Drop the chicken wing, but first drop your Blackberry, publically dieting Sherri Shepard. "I messed up a little last night ... had fried calamari and fried catfish – gotta stay away from the soul food! Back on track today – gym at 3 pm." A little? Who's place did you take on The View? Right, Starr Jones. Boom, roasted. Think before you tweet. We're just saying.

From One Train Wreck to Another

'If you've made a mistake in life, you have two choices, you can either sit in the Lazy-Boy and eat popcorn and talk about it, or you can get out and do something fun'. Those are your two choices? Wow, Kelly Bensimon. Insightful. Life is all about FUN for you, isn't it? Is that why you punched your ex-boyfriend? Was that fun? Was it also fun when you married a guy 24-years older than you? You must just be too fun to hold normal conversations with your cast mates. It all makes sense now … Maybe you shouldn't be giving advice, especially to someone who was arrested for extortion and was involved with a kidnapping plot, drugs and stripping. Because, let's be honest, you're up here, and she's down there. We're just saying.

If it doesn't get all over the place...

This may not be the first hunk of beef you've had in your mouth Audrina but let's be honest, we all know you didn't eat a single bite of this six dollar burger. In fact, we know you don't eat at all. It's never a good sign when they strategically have you facing away from the camera throwing your plastic cans in the air (which is obviously how everyone eats a burger) but honestly that's not even the most unbelieveable part. We guess this is one way to make Justin Bobby ride into the sunset on his motorcycle in tears but Carl's Jr., seriously? Maybe not the wisest career move. There's a plate of grapes and crushed ice waiting for you at home. We're just saying.

The Jonas Mother

Dear Denise - Sick. No one wants to hear about your sons 'desires'. Not an appropriate media discussion point. That's it. We're just saying.

Meet the Pratts

Oh Spiedi, network TV has treated you unkindly. It's not quite as easy to do a reality show without a script is it? Hey Spencer it's super funny when you claim to be the most popular celebrity in the world and then proceed to slap/lash out at one half of Frangela for messing with your cosmetics. Huh that's odd, I've never seen Fortune's number one most influential celebrity Angelina Jolie raise a hand to Frangela. It's not quite as simple when you aren't hiding behind a ghost beard and cruising west Hollywood with Stacy "The Bartender" and your camera crew. Oh and I never thought I'd say this but please put your woman in check. Heidi, something sweaty has happened to your face and I'm sorry but no amount of spray shampoo will fix it. Enough is enough the Hills miss you. Seriously, no more with the threats, it's time to go. Kristen Cavallari called she'll be waiting for you at H Wood. We're just saying.

Reality Bites

Ladies, if you're signing up to be on a reality TV show with your significant other, you might as well get his name tattooed across your forehead. It's a kiss of death; you guys are screwed. Jessica, you dropped a couple of lbs with your Newlywed fortune, thought you were too big for your breeches, and started setting your sights on the likes of Johnny Knoxville and John Mayer (solid choices, Jess). Linda, Hogan didn't know best after all, because you started prowling around with a cub. Kate, please see below. Carmen, you're fine. You guys wouldn't have stood a chance regardless of filming 'Til Death do us Part'. Shanna Moakler, you know it's not good when your ex starts dating Paris Hilton post-breakup. Britney, who was Womanizer written after? Oh, and Heidi, here is your bleak future. We're just saying.